I’ve had the pleasure to report on a wide variety of topics about video games, archaeology, and video games for the past 1,5 years. News about the newest Assassin’s Creed, interesting discussions concerning violence and video games, the representation of colonialism in strategy games: you name it, and I’ve written about it.
But it’s time to come clean with you, dear reader. Video games don’t interest me, not one bit. I don’t get why people would spends hours of their day staring at a screen, pressing some buttons and moving a mouse, dulling their minds and wasting away their life. When I grew up, I was taught that life is a precious and fleeting thing and that humankind’s purpose on this world is to grow and support life. To raise and protect animals and to grow crops and flowers. Not to strip the planet’s resources in order to build plastic machines of entertainment that display a false and virtual fantasy world.
Today is the day that I finally make the choice to no longer uphold this facade. I shall no longer lie to myself. No, I shall no longer lie to you, dear reader. From today, VALUE Field Reports heads into a new direction! From today, VALUE Field Reports will report news about fields!
WELCOME TO A NEW AND HONEST FIELD REPORTS!
— By Smoochy
Picking Up The Slack - A Buyer's Guide to Telehandlers.
I’m a pretty strong and tall guy, but sometimes I’m looking at my bales of hay and think to myself “I sure wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller.” Because after stacking my 35th bale of hay, not even standing on my tippy toes will make me tall enough to throw another bale on the stack. Luckily, there’s some amazing machines to help with all kinds of lifting and moving, and Farmer’s Weekly has a great buyer’s guide to Telehandlers.
So no matter if you’re tall or short, strong like an ox or weak like a twig: everyone could use a nice telehandler!
Come find your new telehandler here!
With a Little Help From My Phosphorus.
Tropical forests are the lungs of this world, and the choking fumes from our cars and factories are giving Mother Earth a short breath. The brilliant minds over at the Smithsonian Tropical Research Institute have found that tress growing on low-phosphorus soil grow faster than trees on soil with a higher concentration of phosphorus.
Which is good news, because if we all collect phosphorus, we can begin growing the tropical forests again! It’s time to nurture our nature, and take back the planet. Soon, vines and shrubberies (nice ones, not too expensive) will invade the suburbs of the world and choke the infrastructure. Animals will roam freely between high-rises and navigate overgrown highways. In time, Mother Earth will breath again freely!
Read the full report here, and prepare to restore Mother Earth!
The Icecaps Are Melting - What Did you do!?!?!
You! YES YOU! Sitting there behind your electricity guzzling machine, looking at cat pictures on an unnatural web of information stored in untold thousands of server-parks all over the world. While you stream your favourite Netflix series, or look up funny facts on Wikipedia, or insult people over Twitter, THE ICECAPS ARE MELTING! Yes, I am blaming you! Mother Earth is heating up, and you all will soon face the consequences. Stop driving your filthy cars. Turn off your Playbox Switch and your central heating! REPENT! We can turn this back! WE CAN SAVE MOTHER EARTH. National Geographic reports on the melting of the ice caps! Clearly this shows how much damage humankind is doing to Mother Earth. People shouldn’t – no, they can’t stand idly by! If you do not join us in saving her, you are the Great Enemy!
Behold the damage the great scourge has caused to Mother Earth!
Archaeologists find Mayan Ruins - A Warning!
Apparently, some archaeologists have used polluting and unnatural technology in order to “discover” a network of Mayan buildings and infrastructure in the jungle of Guatamala. I take offence to this kind of reporting! The Mayan cities and temples were claimed by nature, after the downfall of the Mayan civilization. Mother Earth wiped out these trespassers, and slowly sent her children to reclaim the stones so painfully hewn from her mountains. The archaeologists would do wise to heed her warning and stay away, before the same fate befalls them. I address all archaeologists and others who would challenge Mother Earth: forget about these ruins and work towards a sustainable and green future.
The jungle has claimed these ruins now…
A Message From Our Sponsors.
I would like to take this opportunity to talk about the new cult that I started. Green Earth is a growing organisation of like-minded people that co-exist in order to spread the word of Mother Earth to the polluters, modernists, technologists, and defilers. We strive to rid this beautiful planet of every harmful, wasteful, and polluting technology and achieve a natural balance in which humankind blossoms as an intricate and harmonious element of nature. We believe this goal cannot be reached without struggle and we foresee the need to wipe out intrusive weeds that aim to destroy the precarious health of our Mother Earth. We train daily in the use of vine-whips, poisonous blowdarts, tiger-taming, elephant-riding, and jungle-warfare. Together, we shall overcome the blight of mankind and save our planet. If you’re interested, leave 4 twigs in the shape of an orchid below your nearest willow-tree, and we will contact you. FIGHT THE DESTROYER, FIGHT FOR A GREEN EARTH, FIGHT FOR OUR MOTHER EARTH!